I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You have to summon your inner elephant
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
