if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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