i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
