OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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