He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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