I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
