I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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