just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
