he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
