there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
