You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
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You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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