I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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