So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize