i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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