Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's paper in my vomit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will pee on everything he values.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
