The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
