Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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