I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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