I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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