I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
