I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
