Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
