Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
