When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
