I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
