i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
