I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
