I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
