I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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