my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
