Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
