I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
