YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
