...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
