i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
