She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.