I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
