the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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