Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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