I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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