Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this hospital has no fireball
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
