im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
