i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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