if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
