you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
