can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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