my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
