so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
