your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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