Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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