tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
