the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
