He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
