I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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