I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
