8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
