he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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