Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
