If that was your dad, he is hot
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
